Yes a bird!!! ARHHHH!!!! i don’t know what to do?? right now as i type this message a savage wild bird is loitering around my kitchen pecking and possibly pooing on anything it wishes. i dare not disturb it, for it may find my delicate eyes a fine target for its beak to attack… i commando crawled on the ground with lukes camera to get proof of this beast…. ( i couldn’t alert Luke because this creature is guarding his door) i would have to crawl past it to get to his room… so I’ve had to think up another devious plan of my own to rid us of this vermin… i opened our front door and veranda sliding door as the first preparation for my scheme… then i positioned myself in the bathroom with the door ready to slam close if need be… after taking a few photos i use my Mobile to call lukes phone, which is in his room with him asleep blissfully unaware of the nightmare that awaits him..

I have planed to tell him to open his door and walk out of his room so he will scare the bird from his end of the dining room through the kitchen down the hall (past me) and out one of the front doors, this plan could easily back-fire and have the bird freak out and savagely attack Luke’s face as punishment for cornering it in the other end of the kitchen… but this is a risk I’m willing to take….

Luke will be too delirious with sleep and alcohol to even comprehend whats happening…

so im calling Luke……… ringing, ringing, ringing… AH! damn message bank!!

OK OK, calm down maybe he just didn’t hear it.. try again… ringing, Ringing, RINGING!!!! Message bank!!!

Answer Damn You!!! I would prefer not to sacrifice myself this morning, but i can not sleep knowing this bird is in my house… what if it gets in my room!! *shiver* too horrible to even think about…

abandoning Luke as any sort of help for he is unconscious. i start to spy on the bird to try and figure out its mind frame… Its on our ironing board strutting up and down it observing me with its black eyes… the cold eyes of a murderer… should i throw something in the room to get it moving, is it best to keep it on its toes? or lull it into a false sense of security?? its all so confusing!!! if only i paid more attention to Ranger Stacey!

I camp out in the living room, racking my brain for new ideas… by the way, Tim, if you are reading this you did come to mind! you almost got an early morning mercy dash call… but wait is that little claws i hear on carpet???

‘Gasp!’ Its walking down the hall! HIDE! i see him… sneaking down our hall past the couch, i swear i see his pointy little tongue lick his razor sharp beak… thats it, keep going, towards the open door…. he is on our veranda!!! Success!!! i can slam the door in his stupid little face now! Bahahahahahaha!!!!!!!

But alas… as i see him fly away into the pale pink that is early morning i feel empty inside… i miss him…..

DON’T BE RUDE TO GUYS WHO TALK TO YOU..
They’re only doing it because they find you attractive. If you don’t want to speak to them, tell them you’ve got a boyfriend who races formula 1.

NEVER DATE A GUY NAMED MILES,
or Hendrix. Any parent who names their child after a unit of measurement or a dead singer has to be pretentious. There’s a good chance their kid will be aswell.

DON’T DO DRUGS WITH STRANGERS..
If there’s a chance your gonna lose control, you want to be among friends, not some lurking date-rapey Casanova you have just met on the dance floor. Friends will chuck you in a cab and stay with you untill the fridge stops speaking Japanese.

DONT DATE GUYS WHO WEAR GOLD JEWELLERY..
Its like licking a power switch- why would you do it to yourself??

FORGET SUN TANNING..
They might tease you for being white, but you’ll get your own back when the sun queens turn forty and look like the bladder from a grand final football.

DON’T DATE GUYS WHO RIDE MOTORBIKES OR DRIVE PANEL VANS..
They are both dangerous, but for different reasons.

PLAY SPORT..
Enjoy your body while its young. Even though your a complete unco now, your an absolute Olympian compared to what you will be able to do at forty five.

NEVER HAVE SEX ON A FIRST DATE..
He’ll still be there for a date or two and he’ll respect you more for making him work for it. Unless of course he’s going to war, then why not send the poor bugger off with a smile on his face.

DRINK BEER..
It shows your down to earth, low maintenance and maybe even appreciate footy.

DON’T DATE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES, ACTORS OR MUSICIANS..
If they are famous they are more than likely cheating on you. Of not, then they’ll be using bed sheets as curtains when they’re forty.

HOWEVER, IF YOUR JUST INTERESTED IN SEX-
well those creative types are creative and athletes are fit

IF YOUR BOYFRIEND ASKS YOU TO IRON HIS SHIRT,
Say no. Or do a really shit job. He’ll never ask again.

STAND-UP FOR OLD PEOPLE..
Unless they’re wearing a raincoat and seem unusually pleased to see you. If they don’t thank you, the next time the bus lurches pretend to lose balance and drop a sly elbow onto the top of their head – they’ll get the message.

NEVER HAVE SEX ON CAMERA..
If you really really really feel its something you want to do, take the tape when you leave. (but don’t label it ‘My Sex Video’ and put it on your bookshelf)

DON’T ASK PEOPLE WHAT THEY DO OR WHERE THEY’RE FROM..
everyone has their story to tell, so draw it out of them without preconceptions based on their address or salary.

IF IN DOUBT, GO WITHOUT.
This applies to clothes, one-night stands, tequila shots and McDonald’s.

ALWAYS CHOOSE THE MAN WHO MAKES YOU LAUGH..
Don’t date men just for looks, money or status. The six-pack fades, the sense of humour doesn’t.

DON’T SMOKE!
It has no redeeming qualities. It stinks, gives you wrinkles and will eventually kill you.

READ..
someones taken the time to distill their thoughts on life into a few hundred pages, and its sitting there waiting for you to experience. You only live once, and something in that book may make your life that little bit easier.

DON’T ROLL YOUR EYES..
Its rude, suggests you think your better than the other people and you look like you’ve just trodden barefoot on a snail.

NEVER THROW YOUR DRINK IN A GUYS FACE..
Its not high drama. its cheap. walk away.. On the other hand, if he’s groped you, make sure your glass is nice and full.

TAKE RISKS..
I promise your not going to be on your deathbed wishing you hadn’t kissed that cute french boy or launched that fashion label – just check you’ve got a bungee cord.

DON’T TALK TO CHILDREN IN THAT COOCHIE-WOOCHIE BABY VOICE..
it shits me.

YOU CAN BE TOO SKINNY..
If you must focus on your body, make it positive and get addicted to fitness.

DON’T BE RUDE TO WAITERS,
Or cabbies, or anyone you believe is in a position of inferiority – even when there’s no one else around.

NEVER LET SOMEONE HUMILIATE YOU DURING SEX..
Its a crazy thing being naked with a stranger, and sometimes, in the heat of the bedroom (or toilet cubicle) people ask or do something that can make you uncomfortable. The first time tell them no. If they do it again, walk away and never come back. It’s your body, so don’t feel pressured to act out other peoples pornographic fantasies.

EAT MUSIC!
Listen to it all and give everything a chance. It can make you happier than just about anything on earth.

COMPARE NOTHING..
Be it bust size, salary or your childhood. Comparisons to your own will just make you grumpy or smug.

DON’T BE A GROUPIE..
be the rock star.

BE ONE OF THE COOL CHICKS..
which doesn’t mean the bimbo who teases the fat girl. It means defining your opinions beyond what your friends and parents think, having a humanity that may put you at odds with others, being able to laugh at yourself! and, above all, wearing fabulous shoes.

RESPECT COPS..
you don’t have to like them, but appreciate the job they do. Its a brutal occupation, and they’re the first people you call when the shit hits the fan.

DON’T HOLD GRUDGES..
Your the one who suffers – the other person is happily getting on with their life.

DON’T SMOKE HYDRO..
hydroponic marijuana is full of fertilisers and pesticides. If you want a joint stick with the naturally grown stuff.

DON’T LIE TO YOUR MATES..
they will never forget it.

OK MEN, NEVER WEAR SANDALS,
ever! And never jog in speedos. ever!

DON’T PUSH IN AT THE BAR..
You know damn well who was there first!

THINGS YOU’LL NEVER REGRET DOING;
Visiting your granny.
Standing up to a bully
skydiving
living in Paris
falling madly in love

KEEP YOUR WORD..
or else it devalues quickly.

TEN PERCENT OF PEOPLE…
… will not like you no matter what you do. They just hate your head for some reason. Accept it. Move on.

BE KIND..
its the most attractive quality you’ll ever possess..

It has been something i have always wanted to do and be good at.. I grew up on the Sunshine Coast in Queensland, Australia. and never set foot on a board… so i made up for it this weekend…

A trio of beer bonging, bridge jumping, nudey running young men were our companions.. As well as dearest jacinda, chrispy the clown, and Joey the dog..

First stop the bottlo! to get some beer and bacardi… minor set back.. Matts HR Holden still has all the original windscreens and windows except for the front which shattered while driving awhile back (another strange story) The window guy said it was because it was so old and the temperature changed it became weak so when a tiny rock hit it shattered… while loading our esky through the back.. the back window/windscreen smashed everywhere! so here we are in the drive-through trying to sweep glass up everywhere with a long cue of frantic people behind us wanting there booze hand delivered to them in their car beeping at us… “Get out and walk you lazy farckers!!!!”

ok we were eventually off again, minus back windscreen.. driving, laughing singing at the top of ours lungs giving anyone who looks at us the thumbs up, all drinking except Matty who’s a crazy enough driver with out booze…

On the Beach… In the water…. divine….

Ok now for my attempt on the board… With the surfer, Keiran, snorkeling around trying to spear poor little fishies.. all i had for guidance was Matt and Anthony.. complete armatures and clumsy goof balls i didn’t have a chance of even catching a wave let alone standing up… after many failed attempts of even getting on a wave, due to my poor paddling ability and the boys crappy pushing ability… Yay! here comes keiran! two sentences and one wave later and I’m standing on the board heading towards the shore!! well not really standing… but crouching… still both feet planted on the board.. i was chuffed!! YAY!!! i surfed!!!

We had more fun mucking around on the board then we cruised it home…

Awesome day in the sun and water with good friends.. makes you glad to be alive…

I hadnt previously experienced a real stoketake during my time at the pub.. I had heard stories of the horrors it involved but never really felt any empathy… ‘couldn’t possibly be that bad!’ id think to my self…

Id like to take the time to apologise to anyone who i previously sent these thoughts towards silently in my head… Im ever so sorry..

For all of you naive people who couldnt comprehend the stocktake demon… cling on to the happiness you have, because it will be sucked dry as soon as they hand you the barcode scanner…

I innocently thought it wouldnt be that bad when i walked into the bookstore at 11 yesterday morning, all dressed in comfy jeans and singlet.. me and Melissa were to start in the back room by ourselves untill 4 when the shop closed and the others can come to help us… our back room is a tiny narrow hall like room were only one person can walk down at one time.. if confronted with someone coming the other way in the back room.. one of you have to huddle up in a gap between the towers of books while the other passes.. three of the walls are floor to roof stacked up full of books of everykind.. 9 shevlesup and two layers deep in most parts, plus another wall of boxes full of books as well…

So faced with this me and mel start off.. choose a wall each..

So i spend the next three hours teetering at the top of a ladder juggling a pile of books in one arm and wielding a highly expensive stocktake scanning contraption in the other, many close calls came and went where i thought i was either goin to plunge to my death or drop the forsaken device.. luckily the only thing that fell was an avalanche of books every so often..

thinking i had almost finished this terrible wall of doom, i recount the shelves, 1..2..3…4..5..6….7…8……9?! there are 9!!! i only counted eight of them goddammit!!! GEEZUS!!! which one did i miss??? freakin hell!! this cant be happening!! with my hands clamped to the side of my head i gaze dizzily up at the looming mountain of books… mind empty… just staring…. i sit on the ground… starting to freak out… feeling overheated… the constant beeping from Mels scanner feels like someone stabbing a compass in my ear…

So after my mini mental break down i suck it up and choose a shelf at random which i think is the one i missed… Beep…. Beep…. Beep….. Beep….. continue the never ending scanning.. shuffling piles of books off the shelf and balance them on one leg against another pile so i can reach the ones behind them, and then the ones behind them and so forth… copping a few paper cuts here and there I finally finish the shelf… phew.. time for a cookie..

Yes there is one saviour in this sad sad story and they are Mel’s cookies.. possibly the most divine cookies on earth.. i mean i have never EVER tasted a bikkie so good… there were choc chip, double choc, smartie, choc smartie, and the favourite, mars bar cookie.. plus chocolate and macadamia slice… Mmmmmm.. paper cuts long forgotten i munch on a cookie.. and don’t forget a glass of milk..

SO we tediously finish the back room in 4 hours… now there are 20 times as many books in the actual store smugly sitting on their shelves waiting to be scanned.. plus a billion book marks, cards, stickers, stamps, boardgames, Slinky’s ect ect… so we trudgingly do the whole store stopping for a bikkie break every so often..

DONE! thank goodness for that… have a sandwich and a banana… (yes Tim i was forced to be healthy due to lack of money)

“Now to check the discrepancies!” …….. “The decripemny-whatsarhs?… no one informed me we have to CHECK anything! i just counted the goddamn things!! if one or two are missing then so be it! they’l turn up eventually!”

So we are forced to emu march back through the store and count whether there are 6 Ruby the Fairy books instead of 5, ect… that’sanother hour extra… we have been in the shop for 11 hours now.. its 10.30.. the air conditioning was turned off in the centre at 6.. four hours of 7 people running around scanning madly and Australia’s delicious humidity has turned our quaint bookstore into an oven.. GET ME OUT OF HERE!!…………………

We are free!

Yehaa! skip and dance we are free!! grab one or two more cookies for the road and lets hightale ourselves as far away from this forsaken place as possible…

I arrive home exhusted and dirty…

But whats this??? i cant seem to fall asleep… hmm maybe if i roll over.. or get a drink of water.. my head is hurting… Hmmm sleep sleep sleep… no such luck…

FUCK….

Damn you Mel and you fantastic cookies full of fantastic SUGAR! which is making sleep as much as a trial as running in water…

Eventually i drift off to sleep with the faint beep beep beep beeping echoing in my ear…

Beep…

Olivia was the first and most obvious option, a delightfully quirky mix of prancing, gyrating, high pitched giggling and constant flow of easy listening chatter.. and a sure bet due to the fact she has no occupation other than eating cheese and claiming to be a student..

The search continued with dwindling results.. every one else had either no money, no time or had just returned from a camping trip of their own, so we started getting used to the fact it was only going to be three.. Luke absolutely chuffed about the fact he may very well be the meat in the sandwich (dirty dirty boy) but then at the very last minute Chris (a poker shark regular from the pub) was invited and accepted… Yay!!!!!
So we set off after a small delay with the centerlink hounds holding Olly captive with meaningless job search activities..

Me and Olly were classified as luggage and quite enjoyed it, we were able to lounge around in the back off the van amongst a sea of pillows.. Until, while we were sleeping peacfully in the back.. Luke decided he would like abit of off-road action and proceded to run up the gutter, which beacause of the spring matteress we were laying on bounced me right on top of Olly and winded her and scared the living daylights out of me!
We were at the campsite.. the boys decided we all didnt have to pay and one of us could sneak in, i had the least amount of funds so i was the stow away… stoked at first about a free stay eventually turned into the life of a paranoid refugee, constantly looking over my shoulder for the campsite security… who strutted around the place with their greedy little flahlights. guilt and fear lead me to pay for the next night.. being a legetimate camper lifted a weight off my shoulders.. we spent the night drinking laughing fire twirling playing cards and laughing, the day we used to enjoy the beach.. armed with hoola hoops, devil sticks and a skimmy board, we chose a spot the furtherest away from any child visable (Olivia has a ‘sharing’ issue) but we were soon swarmed with the curious little creatures.. hoola hooping is not as easy and carefree as it sounds, its hard to master but eventually we got it.. we had a handball competition which got quite serious apart from the fact olivia would cower away from the ball when it went anywhere near her, and enjoyed ourselves watching luke trying to skimboard and fall on his bum.

That we ate a fantastic BBQ cooked buy master BBQer chris, and prepared for another night of drinking and laughing… we were joined by two camping neighbours, Sydney boys Grant and Darren, or Gazza and Dazza as they ‘prefered’ to be called, and another random Norweigan bloke named Trond… yes trond! we liked to call him Deceptertron for short.. we had a great time doing the usual drinking laughing ect, plus a little flirty hoola hoop display by olly.. (Gaz had caught her eye ) but there is a dark side to this camping trip, a wildlife conspiratory even… The Spiders would make enormous webs within minutes of no web being there, and then just disapear.. we thought it was because some poor soul had walked through their nest (one sad sorry little asian bloke has been scarred for life) but it couldnt be because even a nest high up in trees wouldnt be there after a next walk by! and a demented little verman of a bird happily sqwarking its puiny brains out right next to our tent from sunrise onwards… but these were minor problems.. we had an awsome time being together and then had a slightly less awsome time cleaning and packing up tired, dirty and seedy.. ahhhh but me and olly were very comfortably packed luggage on the way back..